WrestleMania 1962: Voldemort, John Cena, John F Kennedy, and More
by CottoneyeJoe
Summary: John F. Kennedy will face off against Voldemort and John Cena, only John Cena is a Girl!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

John F. Kennedy was sitting in his office. It was a torrential downpour outside, and almost midnight. The rain was falling fast and hard. And John… heard something. Something that did not want to be heard. He whipped out his pistol, the one with the word "Betsy" inscribed on the side, and took one shot at his 7-o'-clock.

He turned to see a hooded man, clad in black, with a large and quite recent bullet hole in the middle of his forehead. John knew he was already successful, but he took another shot to be sure. With another bang, the opponent's heart and trachea ruptured.

 _All three_ , Kennedy thought.

He'd incapacitated all three organs required to make sure a wizard is dead. As blood flowed over a badge denoting a special division of the Ministry of Magic, the body collapsed onto the floor. Being President of the United States was hard, but JFK was harder. John giggled to himself at this, since it sounded like a joke about erections.

The CIA officers, having been observing via CCTV, proceeded in once they were sure the wizard sent to kill Kennedy was dead, and cleaned up the mess.

 _The wizards will die soon enough,_ Kennedy thought.

 _Soon, they'll_ all _be dead._


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The dark lord Voldemort was sitting in his office.

 _Great,_ he thought, _another assassin… dead._ His assistant, Suzan (with a z), walked in. She dropped the latest pile of paper on his desk and walked around to stand next to where he was sitting.

"More trouble?" she inquired.

"Yeah, big time." said Voldemort. "Can you believe it, Suzan? This John F. Kennedy dude just President-of-the-United- States-es himself and decides, 'oh, uh, wizards must be bad', so he decides to kill every last one. Who the hell does that?"

"Well," said Suzan, who did not understand rhetorical questions very well, "We had some problems a couple of years back with that K-pop Klan or whatever they're called-"

"Uh, never mind that", said Voldemort, who, after those events, had a crippling fear of racists. "What's important is what's going on now." Voldemort stared into Suzan's eyes dramatically, hoping yet again for her to realize that he was mimicking a love trope.

Suzan smiled with her eyes almost pointing in different directions and said "OKAY!" and walked out of the room, trying to figure out what exactly _was_ going on now, since no one except for Voldemort ever seemed interested in her enough to tell her things.

Voldemort got frustrated easily around Suzan. He was, indeed, totally yandere for her, but she simply didn't notice. She never seemed to notice much. But Voldemort couldn't focus on that now. He had work with which to proceed.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Johanna Cena, who was definitely _not_ a female version of John Cena, was nervous. It was her first time at a prom, and here at the Yuri and Yaoi prom, and her date, a robot 1.3 times her height and 8 times her weight, was kind of standing out. Johanna may have been extremely muscular among other, _ahem,_ attractive bodily attributes, but she was quite shy.

 **"ARE YOU O.K.?"** said Robotu-sama.

"Oh, I'm just a little bit nervous. I've never done this before!" mentioned Johanna, blushing. "I don't think anyone even knows I like you yet!"

 **"WELL, THAT'S BUNK AND YOU KNOW IT. DON'T WORRY!"** replied Robotu.

"Yes, but what will they think of us?" Johanna asked.

 **"JOHANNA, I'M BEING LITERAL. THIS IS A SCHOOL SPECIFICALLY FOR YURI AND YAOI. YOU KNOW, GAYS AND LESBIANS. WE'RE** _ **LITERALLY**_ **EXPECTED TO BEHAVE THIS WAY."**

"Oh, yeah, but it's all so new to me." Johanna persisted. "How do I date a girl like you, Robotu? What do I do?"

 **"THERE ARE OF COURSE, MANY OPTIONS"** Stated Robotu. **"BUT I SUGGEST YOU… FOLLOW YOUR HEART."**

"Oh, Robotu!" blushed Cena. "It's like you always know what to say, senpai! I love you!" and with a single step, she picked up the 1200 pound robot as if she were her bride, and she strode into the prom room cradling her girlfriend in her arms.

It was then, naturally, that she and Robotu noticed the massive octopus in the middle of the ballroom. Johanna Cena and Robotu-sama looked at each other in surprise.

 **"OH, HEY, LOOK AT THAT!"** exclaimed Robotu. **"A GIGANTIC OCTOPUS! NOT ONLY IS IT EVIDENCE OF THE EXISTANCE OF MYTHICAL CREATURES, A SCIENCE-CHANGING DISCOVERY, BUT IT ALSO SUGGESTS SOMETHING ECCHI MIGHT HAPPEN!"**

"Well, Robotu, as much as I want that to happen to me, I'm pretty sure we're supposed to defeat this thing." remarked Cena. "Is it OK if I throw you?"

 **"SURE."**

"OK," said Johanna suspencefully, "Here... We... _**GO!**_ " As she said this, she swung Robotu around and threw her at the unlikely cephalopod. Robotu landed directly on its face, disorienting it long enough for Johanna to make her big move.

She leaped 50 feet forward and punched the octopus, causing it to burst in a violent explosion of… uh… whatever Japanese people call that octopus meat. Hold on, gotta check my notes… hmm… ok, I'll check Wikipedia… uh… okay, I can't find anything on Wikipedia. Hold on, I can use Google Translate… Tako! They say an octopus is a Tako! Really? Tako? Who made _that_ up?! Anyways, that's what it burst into.

Watching the security camera feed, Voldemort was quite satisfied with both of their performances. Soon, he could create a magical organization with which he could save the wizards! He could name them after the mythical magical girl superhero team from long ago! He would call them:

 _The Sailor Scouts!_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I'm feeling lazy for this chapter, so I'll just make it this one paragraph. It's a big revelation here: Harry Potter is the reincarnation of JFK. He ends up changing his mind about wizards while he's dead. I'm sure I'll remember to explain this later.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

John Fitzgerald Kennedy strode into the pentagon. The security teams quickly got out of his way.

"Morning, Bill!" John said to a man he had never met, didn't recognize, would never see again, and got the name of wrong.

He walked to sector 12A and reached elevator 12A-8. He got in, sang the secret tune, pressed the secret keys in the secret combination on the secret keypad, and said his secret waifu's name. (Not the name of his _actual_ wife, but his waifu, who I don't dare name) The elevator accelerated downwards, and shortly stopped again. He was in the basement of the pentagon, where not even the most intrusive Soviets dared venture when spying, since he had covered all the walls in pornography to deter them.

He walked down the long hall of pornography-plastered concrete walls trying to remember why kids like Cinnamon Toast Crunch until he reached the Big Ole Door At The End Of The Secret Hall©. It was so important that he had to capitalize every word in it (including conjunctions and articles) and add a copyright sign. Wizards hated copyrights and he knew it.

"Open 'er up!" Kennedy yelled to the microphone sitting on a podium right next to the door, placed there for dramatic effect in case someone ever wrote a crappy story about him like this one. The door clanked and whooshed, gears spun and surfaces grinded, and the clutch in the Secretary of State's car gave out just as the warranty expired.

Behind the door, a large metallic foot was revealed. And by that, it really, really looked like an actual gigantic foot as if it had been covered in chrome, only this was actually made of mostly aluminum and fiberglass. Kennedy looked up, and once again saw his Scientists' Creation. A gigantic, 70-foot-4-inches-tall shiny, silvery robot that looked disturbingly like a naked man, minus genetalia.

"God, that thing looks creepy." said John. "Why the hell did I hire people to give it aesthetics, anyways? It looks like some guy got silver paint dumped on him and hydraulic pistons glued onto his major joints."

It was, indeed, a pretty creepy looking robot. Unfortunately, this was the 1960's, and the robot did most certainly not have the abilities to match. It had no weapons but its arms and legs, and could barely stand up. During an early test, they realized they had to reinforce it when the entire thing collapsed and incinerated itself in a battery fire after trying to jump.

The damn thing ran really hot, too. They had to begin operating it with the controller in the head, because the only one they tried putting into the body ended up going insane from the heat, and accidentally killed himself when he tried to use a robot arm to tear open the robot's chest. The tear-open-the-chest part worked, but he forgot not to clench his fist after doing so. Nobody ever found his pelvis.

"Hello, Mr. Kennedy!" Said Rugert Vann, who was most certainly not a former Nazi scientist. "We ave finally completed evvery zingle test und ze robut perfoorms magnifizently!"

Kennedy decided not to ask anything about or mention Rugert's fake German accent. "Good." he said. It was 3:00 A.M. "Can we do a… 'field test' in the morning?"

"Do you mean," asked Rugert, who had forgotten to use a fake German accent, "that we kill a wizard?"

"Rugert, we've been working on this for one-and-a-half years. Of course I mean that."

They stared at each other for three seconds.

"Well? Hurry up!"

"Okay!"

The monstrosity started up with a demonic rumble...


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Voldemort waited in the shadows of a barn somewhere in Kentucky.

 _Damn._ He thought. _I really need to go to the bathroom and I haven't seen that satanic cult anywhere. How to I summon an ancient magical girl superhero team if I have nobody who knows how to ask Satan for help? It's like I can't catch a break. Oh, well. At least Suzan agreed to come here with me. As long as we don't make any noise, any listening members of the government won't know I'm here and I won't have to-_

"Wow, Christ on a bike, is that a Jersey Cow! I've NEVER seen one before now!" Suzan exclaimed at what seemed to an already stressed and on-edge Voldemort like full volume. "Look, Lord Voldemort! This one is beige! Did you know that while the females usually weigh 400-500 kilograms according to WikipediaDespiteTheFactThatWikipediaDoesNotExistYet but the _males_ can weigh 540 to _820_ kilograms?!"

 _Oh, god, I didn't know she knew anything about cows_ Voldemort thought. _This is a huge risk._ He then looked at the fifth cow on the right. _I bet it's your fault, fifth cow on the right. Steal my senpai, will you? I'll abra-kadabra you dead when this is done, you… you… uh, cow! Yeah, you're a cow! Literally! Hah!_

"Oh, hey Voldemort, your friends are here!" Cheered his assistant. Voldemort turned to see a collection of hoods and robes in black and red fills, borders and patterns. Except, of course, for Jerry, standing in the back, who forgot it was Thursday and had his green and blue robes instead. The rest of them didn't mind, though. Everyone makes mistakes. They were a very accepting satanic cult.

"Hey, man, are you OK? You look pretty pale. Also, is your nose missing?" Said Roger, who had drawn the longest straw and got to be leader for the day, and choose where they had lunch.

"Yes and yes."

"So you're… OK despite your missing nose?"

"Yes." replied Voldemort again.

"Uh, sure." continued Roger. "So, are you the guy? Voldemort?"

Voldemort stood still for five seconds. "Yes." he said.

"Oh, good. So, uh who did you want to summon? Something about boats, or-"

"Not boats, but sailors. But also not sailors. It's just a name." Voldemort suggested. "I am referring to a team of magical girl superheroes lost to the sands of time known as the _Sailor Scouts_. They should be able to help me defeat and/or kill John F. Kennedy, who plans to kill all wizards."

"Ah," replied the day's leader, "I see. So it would also be beneficial to us to help, because that means he wants to kill us in our satanic cult, too, right?"

"Yes" Said the Dark Lord. "Also, please don't stand in the open door like that. It's like, super obvious you're here. You should come inside."

The multitude of darkly clad "Devil-Worshippers" filed into the barn as Voldemort and Suzan closed the doors and latched them. The cult looked at the intricate series of recursive pentagrams and other shapes inside each other, and were very impressed indeed. Voldemort had obviously studied. This particular design wasn't even discovered until the Dark Wizard Morticus created it on accident in the midst of an amphetamine-fueled rage trip. In that case, he (Morticus) had accidentally spilled a bottle of Tylenol ™ on it and cured his addiction. His wife had already left, of course, so Morticus had plenty of time to document and study the shape and behavior of the new design.

Voldemort and Suzan donned their cloaks to match everyone but Jerry, who, as stated before, had not known it was Thursday. They and the cult dumped lamb's blood, burning barstools and severed toes(from what they knew not) into the Pentagram-Plus-Ornamentation. Voldemort looked through storage chest No. 5 and realized something.

"We don't have a Satanic bible!" he blurted out, worried.

"Oh, no worries," Said Steven. "You can do a chant from any book. They all work for this one, really."

Voldemort got out the nearest book he could find. It was just another one of his trashy teen vampire romance novels, which he didn't really read or anything and had nothing to hide about because he had absolutely no idea what is was doing in one of the chests he brought to the barn.

He read the first two sentences and was cut short when Bill projectile vomited in disgust. Voldemort decided that was enough and threw the book into the fire made of burning stools, just as the procedure required. They all stood back, said "YOLO MCSWAGGINS" collectively, and watched the lightshow as the summoning ritual proceeded on its own.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

 _THOOM._

John F. Kennedy (plus various scientists and assistants) was strolling across the near-East-Coast-countryside in the giant robot that sat right there in the uncanny valley. It looked _sort of_ human, but was all silver and had weird pistons and big windows for eyes and a piloting area in its head.

 _THOOM._

They continued to walk along, looking for the odd wizard to kill. _Hopefully,_ Kennedy thought, _I can start the death sometime soon. Letting these jokers get away is_ not _an option._

 _CRUNCH._

The team in control of the robot heard the sound of splintering wood and looked down. He lifted the foot and saw a house and the corpse of a man in orange robes. _A wizard!_ He exclaimed in his brain-mind. _So_ that's _where they hide! Inside buildings!_

Kennedy relayed this new information to the team by way of his mouth-hole. They performed a few scans and began finding the nearest manmade structures. _I'll find them,_ Kennedy thought. _Those tricksters think they can hide? Not when they're so obvious!_


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Voldemort and the satanic cult stood back from the crowd of girls in weird costumes now standing in the pentagram. Voldemort counted the Sailor Scouts and quickly realized that there weren't just eight or nine of them.

"Uh… Are there supposed to be that many?" Asked Suzan, who wasn't quite as dumb as the rest of the story suggested, although almost. "This seems wrong."

"Before I tell you that, " Said someone who Voldemort assumed must be Sailor Mars, "Why did you summon us? That can't just be done for party tricks, you know."

"Because," said Voldemort, controlling his confusion with the sheer number of people they had summoned, "We are in danger. The man in charge of this nation is trying to kill all magical peoples, primarily wizards like myself. We want your help in stopping him."

"Alright!" Said Sailor Mercury. "This looks like a job fit for us! Now, for some context: We originated quite a while ago, and since then we have had many recruits. We obviously won't turn away a good fighter, so we just use the names of any celestial body we can find! For example, this is Sailor Betelgeuse over here, and that's Sailor Ganymede!"

Voldemort looked around. He could see hundreds of them, making him glad he chose such a large barn.

"Alright." Said Voldemort as the Cult filed out, their job well done. "To start, we need to scout the area to check if anyone knows where we are. If so, we need to go somewhere else."

Sailor Moon, the current leader by annual vote, took command. "Okay, Sailors Mercury and Jupiter, you two look for nearby towns. Sailor Io, you, Sailor Charon, Sailor Makemake and Sailor Eris all need to look after Voldemort, along with the help of anyone else who isn't set out on a mission. Sailor Rigel, you and Sailor Titan, plus Sailor Proxima Centauri and Sailor Betelgeuse need to find some booze. This is a fairly new situation, and you all know how Sailor Saturn gets angry if she isn't hella drunk."

"This had better not be another town without something with at least 90 proof again" complained Sailor Saturn.

"I'm sure they'll find gallons of the hardest stuff you can imagine." Replied Sailor Moon helpfully. "Also, while Sailor Saturn waits, I need Sailor Polaris and Sailor Triton to look after her. You know how she is. Now, finally, anyone named after a planet, star, moon or other singular object at least 1000KM wide at any point is to come with me, and stand by so we're ready to hit anything that wants to hit us back, and hit it hard. And I especially want you to be ready, Sailor R136a1. Your, _ahem, powers_ will be especially useful for this job."

"Oh, I think I know what you mean..." Sailor R136a1 said slyly.

Voldemort observed as a collective of at least 400 teenage girls flew out of the barn door, and wondered if they were supposed to be able to fly or if the author was too dumb to do his research. Sailor Eris, who had minor mind-reading abilities, read the text above and commented:

"Oh, most of us aren't teenagers, by the way." She said. "We've been in operation for a while now. I think Sailor Moon's in her 30's. So you don't have to worry about, say, incompetence or anything."

This was news to Voldemort, but didn't affect anything. He had confidence in their abilities all along, except for Sailor Saturn, who apparently couldn't function without alcohol. He and the remaining Sailor Scouts got ready to move to his office building so they could create plans and sort things out. There was also the part about getting them to induct the powerful ones he discovered, Johanna Cena and Robotu-sama. Things were still naturally grim, but looking up.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

OK so My name is Geoff and I am the GUEST AUTHOR for this chapter oh yea yes and so my kontribution is is that the uhh yes.

Hagris I mean haGR id was on the moon and he was an astronaut like a few years early I dunno I can make the author explain why for me but he was on the moon doing something probably good I dont knno why oh welell. Sorry I dont no wher the bakspaz key is so my wurds r bad sry.

 _Author's note: Never let this joker guest write for anything again, even a shipfic. And_ NO, _I am_ NOT _going to explain why Hagrid was put on the damn moon. Thanks to chapter 4, quality is low enough. Now I have to write chapter 10 to keep up with demand._


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

J.K. Rowling was sitting in her office, reading a fanfiction of her work. _Really?_ She thought. _John Cena? In 1962? And as a girl? What is this crap?_ She continued to read the low quality pile of ass that lay within her computer screen. Now the story was mentioning Sailor Moon. _Talk about no creativity,_ she remarked to herself. It was plainly the worst story she had ever read.

It was the worst story he had ever written. The author stared at the pile of ass that lay within his… no, he couldn't repeat that again, he already did it with J.K. Rowling. He was desperately trying to force some sort of connection between JFK and JKR. There was nothing to force, though, and no ships worth sailing. He was a failure.

Meanwhile, in the author's imagination, a picture of JK Rowling and John F. Kennedy procreating popped up. He vomited onto the floor and went back to work.

 _Okay_ , he thought. _I'll just move on to the part where Hermione and Ginny are for some reason Sailor Scouts and also lesbians in love with each other. That'll give me enough of a delay to further develop Johanna Cena._


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Approximately four months after the Sailor Scouts were Sailor Summoned, Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley stood in the middle of a cornfield after a flash of light brought them there. Hermione was slouching and in a sour mood, while Ginny was eating the contents of a plastic bag that said _Doritos,_ a brand deal she got because of her matching hair color.

"I don't like doing this." Hermione said begrudgingly. "I _hate_ fanfictions. And we're supposed to be shipped in this? Neither of us are homosexual!"

"Well, technically," replied Ginny, "Now we are. Because the story says so, we're madly attracted to each other. And what's so bad about it? We're friends anyways. We get paid, don't we? And it usually ends in our victory."

"Yeah, but that doesn't give you the right to stare at my butt like that."

Ginny quickly turned away into the cornfield. "'S not my fault. The author is messing with my hermiones."

"Hormones."

"Yeah, hormones. But in this story I'm madly in love with you or whatever, so I said it like your name, see? There's no getting out of it. Besides, we're in our twenties now. We can handle stuff."

"I still hate doing it." mumbled Hermione. "What's our role in this story anyways?"

"Oh, we have a great one!" Ginny explained. "We're going to be recruited as Sailor Scouts in this one!"

"Oh, well, at least the premise sounds fun, if not high quality." Hermione replied as Ginny snuck another look where the real Hermione didn't want her to but the Fanfiction Hermione was desperately supposed to.

"I do _not_ want her to do that!" Said Her- Wait. _Hey, Hermione! Can You Hear Me?_

"Yes. Are you the narrator?"

 _Yes! I am the Narrator! How can you hear me?_

"I don't know. Sometimes this happens with low quality stories."

Hermione was remarkably self-aware.

"You don't have to talk in italics for us to hear you, you know."

 _Okay, but I will when I address you to make it more convenient for the audience._

"Fine enough for us!" stated Ginny. "When do we get to be Sailor Scouts?"

"In ten minutes or so." Said Sailor Mars, who had been standing right there behind them the whole time. "We've got you two and Johanna Cena to induct."

"Johanna Cena?" queued Hermione. "Who's that?"

"I've got th' script here..." Said Ginny, still munching away, " …'an it says She's John Cena, but a girl. Talk about poor writing, huh, Hermione?"

"Yeah." Said Hermione.

 _No Shit._ Said the Narrator.

"Ah! What the Hell? Show yourself!" Said Sailor Mars as balls of light lit up around her hands, as she pointed them in the general direction where she heard the Narrator's voice, ready to fire her power beam lasers or whatever they're called. "Why the hell are you talking about what I'm doing? Who are you?!"

 _I'm the Narrator,_ Said the Narrator. _Geez, it sounds so strange when I have to narrate myself like this, doesn't it? And it's not like we can have a second narrator, because then-_

"What do you mean you're the narrator? Explain yourself, not the situation!"

But the sky remained quiet.

"No! It didn't! I heard you talk about how the sky was just then!"

Sailor Mars could not hear this sentence.

"Yes I can!"

 _Look, can't you just pretend nobody's describing you right now? This damn fanfiction is already bad enough. At least you can be glad it's not that Legolas shipfic I had to do a while back…_

"Oh, I remember that one!" said Ginny. "I can't believe you were the narrator for that! Wow, they really got you to sound awful! Tell us what it's about again!"

 _No. I don't want to. It's too… horrible._

"Come on! You can tell us as we get to… uh..." Ginny leafed through the script. "Voldemort' s offi- really? Voldemort is the protagonist? Well, whatever. _We'll_ do the walking and _You'll_ do the _talking!_ "

 _When you make a rhyme like that you sound like Brock from Pokémon._

The witches started walking toward their destination as Sailor Mars floated along beside them, hoping the Narrator was a protagonist.

 _Okay,_ Said the Narrator, _You readers at home can follow along by reading at this URL which you can copy and paste into your browser:_ s/10796401/1/Legolas-by-laura

 _*Author's note: I have no idea who really wrote this and most certainly do not want to know.*_

"Did you just recite a URL?" asked Hermione.

 _Yup._

A few minutes after the story had finished, Ginny finished washing herself off after vomiting into a river. Several hours after they got to Voldemort's office, Sailor Mars went nowhere for no particular reason and in a completely unrelated event the author of _Legolas By Laura_ 's internal organs all detonated all on their own with no outside influence and without any reason to do so.

 _See, the joke is that Sailor Mars went out so Sailor Murder the author of the other story._


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

"Your pseudonym sucks." John F. Kennedy told the man he was trying to hire.

"Vat's so bad about calling myzelf Doctor Acula?" the pale man with the smooth black hair replied.

"Seriously? Dr. Acula? Count Dracula? You're an idiot. Everyone knows you're a goddamn vampire."

"Hey, I do try. Bezidez, don't you vant to hire me? Insults like zis are not goot for ze opponent's jugular vein, generally zpeaking."

"I am aware of the danger you pose, Count. That's why I require your services."

"Vell zen, vat do you vant me to do and vat vill you pay me to do it?"

"Can you lose the Transylvanian accent? It's really putting me off. It's _too_ stereotypical for me."

"Tough luck for ze mizter prezident, vecause I cannot speak english zat vell. If you reqvire me, you get vat you get."

"Fine. I can work with that. You'll mostly be doing fightin and killing, etcetera. But you have unusually powerful targets."

"Ha, how _powerful_ can zey be? Zis vill be eazy. Who iz inkludid?"

"Well, Voldemort for one. He seems to be looking at hiring some girl named Johanna Cena, although I don't know why. Intelligence suggests he's also tried to summon some sort of something, most likely an eldritch monster, due to a complex pentagram found in a barn after locals sighted him."

"An interesting challenge. I am the looking forward to it."

"God damn, man, go see an English teacher! Your grammar is horrible. It's like reading some fanfiction's interpretation of you!"


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

The Predator from _Predator_ and the Xenomorph from _Alien_ were smooching. Again.

"Rkrkrkrkrkkkkkkk." Said the Predator, professing his love for her.

"RCHEEER CCReeHH" Replied the Alien.

"Kakakakakakak? RKRKrkrkrk." Commented the Predator.

"Rheh Cruhh."

This joke was so hilarious that they both burst out laughing (or something that was _supposed_ to be laughing but really, really wasn't) and couldn't stop for 3 minutes.

 _"Oh, my God. I remember that… but when you mention it with that in mind, it's got to be the best pun I've ever heard."_ Said the Predator in his native dialect.

 _"Yeah, I really just thought it up on the spot. It's a real shame it doesn't work in any languages except for the specific two we speak. It would be really confusing if we tried to explain it to someone else."_ The spritely Xenomorph girl replied.

 _"So,"_ Said the Predator, _"We should have dinner soon. How do Hot Dogs on Earth sound? People will just think we're cosplaying."_

The Xenomorph replied _"That seems like a wonderful Idea! I was really wanting to-"_

"Did _SOMEONE_ say _Hot Dogs?!_ " Yelled one of the nearest Wiener Gnomes.

 _"Oh Shit. Not them again."_

"Did _you_ know-" Shouted another Wiener Gnome, beginning the event as would usually be required, "that Hot Dogs are sometimes called… _WIENERS?_ "

 _"No! Go away!"_ Screeched the large black female alien with no eyes, making the noise with both outer and inner mouths. But it was too late. They were all coming out of the compartments around the spaceship. Lutes, lyres, oboes, cellos and harps alike were all quickly unpacked.

"Well, we've got a whole show for you!" replied another Gnome. "For _we_ are the _Wiener Gnomes_ and it's time for the _WIENER SONG_!"

 _"God Damn It."_ the one with the crazy jaws clicked.

The collective miniature humanoid mammals all got together with their instruments out and began:

" Wiener Wiener Wiener Wiener, Wiener Wiener time! Wiener Wiener Wiener Wiener Wiener Wiener time !

There are many wieners out there, so many to explore!

Through Wiener Day and Wiener Night, we always will find more!

The Wiener Gnomes go looking, for wieners all around!

The Wiener Gnomes go looking where: wie-ners-can-be-found!

Oh, Wiener wa-wiener wa-wiener,

wa-wieee-ner wiener wi-wiener,

oh-Wiener wa-wiener wa-wiener,

wiener wa-wiener wawoo!

Yahoo!

We Wiener Gnomes devote our lives, for wieners we go looking,

For wieners high and wiener low, we go-so-far-a-trucking!

From Wiener Dusk to Wiener Dawn, it's how we make a Wiener Living!

'Cause it's a Wiener Wiener Wiener Wiener Wiener life for me!

Oh, Wiener wa-wiener wa-wiener,

wa-wieee-ner wiener wi-wiener,

oh-Wiener wa-wiener wa-wiener,

wiener wa-wiener wawoo!

Yahoo!

Now, _today_ it seems we have _guests_ for our Wiener Gnome Song! What do _you_ want to sing, young lady?"

A gnome held a microphone up to the Xenomporph.

"Rgrgrgrg..." She grumbled.

"A _Wonderful_ singing voice!" the Gnome proclaimed. "And What do _you_ want to tell the Wiener Gnomes' Wiener Gnome World?"

The same Gnome held the same microphone up to the Predator, who angrily sat there and glared, saying nothing, not even a single click or clack.

"Good! I think..." the gnome continued. "Okay boys and girls! Back to the chorus!

Oh, Wiener wa-wiener wa-wiener,

wa-wieee-ner wiener wi-wiener,

oh-Wiener wa-wiener wa-wiener,

wiener wa-wiener wawoo!

Oh, Wiener wa-wiener wa-wiener,

wa-wieee-ner wiener wi-wiener,

oh-Wiener wa-wiener wa-wiener,

wiener wa-wiener wawoo!

Yahoo!"

The Wiener Gnomes climbed back into the various compartments from whence they came, carrying the equipment with them.

 _"This damn trip had better be worth it."_


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Two days later, Voldemort was sitting in his office, filing away new papers classifying Johanna Cena, Robotu-Sama, Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley as Sailor Scouts, their inductions having happened the day before. He finished filing things away and looked at his pale, nearly featureless face in the mirror. He looked back at his desk and pressed the intercom. "Uh, hey Suzan?" he said.

"Yeah?" replied Suzan.

"Do you have much free time today?" said Voldemort, hoping to be given a yandere chance at dating his senpai. "I was wondering if you wanted to go out for lunch, payment on me?"

"But you pay literally every expense that either I or anyone else generates. I totaled three new cars in the past month trying to keep up with those Sailor Stouts-"

"Sailor Scouts." he interrupted.

"...Sailor Scouts, like, during training, and you paid for the new cars, insurance, and gas each time. You don't have to pay for everything."

"Yes I do. It says so in the story. Look."

Voldemort pretty much paid for anything people wanted as long as they were on his side.

"See? The story says so. It's canon. Do you have time to go out for lunch maybe?"

"Uhh..." replied Suzan. She flipped through some files, wrote I.O.U. on a tax form and said "Yep! Let's eat until we wreck the national plumbing system!"

"Please don't use metaphors like that, Suzan."

They drove in their red Ford Falcon to the nearest Mc. Burger King E. Hardee's's and ate what was most likely hamburgers although I'm not sure because in the early 1960's I had not been born yet. Upon ordering, Voldemort waved his want when nobody was looking to summon something with which to pay, and handed the cashier three $100 bills, a bar of gold and the deed to the Washington Monument, hoping he got the payment right this time. He assumed it must have been, since the cashier looked incredibly happy to see the payment and offered no complaints.

"So..." Said Suzan, who then drank some soda and belched. "Any new movies you're interested in?"

"Uh, I heard there's one called 'Dr. No', but I can't really see a movie with a title like that being famous. I'm more interested in the new _King Kong Vs. Godzilla_."

Meanwhile, outside of the restaurant, a vampire from Romania was looking into the inside with some binoculars.

"Very goot." he said.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Count Dracula burst into the restaurant through the glass in a window and shouted "Blah!" for effect. He looked around and realized that he had chosen the wrong window and that Voldemort was several feet to his left.

"Blah!" he shouted again after waddling up to the pair while maintaining his "Extra Threatening" crouch.

This backfired on him once Voldemort whipped out his long stiff wand and fired a white beam at the vampire, knocking him into a nearby table. The supernatural man from Transylvania jumped back up and lunged at Voldemort. They wrestled for about a minute and the Vampire ran outside with Voldemort chasing him. Voldemort summoned a sword from nothing as Dracula picked up a nearby street sign, and they swung at each other.

As the metal clanged over and over, Voldemort asked "How are you not turning to ash in the sunlight?"

"I don't know." the vampire replied.

Meanwhile, John F. Kennedy was watching the battle progress over the security camera system as the two fought.

"Excellent." He said. "Maybe I _won't_ have to go to the trouble myself."

He stirred his pumpkin spice espresso latte. He, too, wondered why the vampire didn't turn to ash in the sunlight, but that was surely not important. The battle was going smoothly and swiftly.

Feeling confident, Dracula decided to taunt Voldemort.

"Yoo're so bald I can see ze moon on ze vack of your head!" Dracula said. Voldemort did not respond, still fighting.

"Zose are ze dumbest rrobes I av ever zeen!" he continued. "You are the so ugly that ven you go to ze bakery, um..."

Dracula hesitated. He couldn't think of an insult. He tossed Voldemort through a nearby wall to buy some time for a new insult.

He began "Your girlfriend is _so-_ " but was interrupted.

Voldemort, upon hearing him about to insult Suzan-Senpai, immediately put Dracula into a headlock, forced his head around 360° to shatter his spine and immobilize him, and before Dracula could recover with his magical healing, Voldemort threw him onto the ground and curb-stomped his skull, shattering it completely into a pool of brain, bone and blood.

"Hardcore!" Said Suzan.

"Mediocre!" Said a nearby cosplayer.

"Bull- _SHIT!_ " Said Kennedy, still at the White House, or the Pentagon or wherever I said he would be. "That was the only vamp I know of!"

"Wow, racist." said a nearby guard.

"How is that racist?" said another.

"He said 'vamp'."

" _is_ that racist?"

"For all you know."

"Bring in someone I hate so I can kill them." Said Kennedy.

A third guard brought in the guy who always stood outside talking about aliens. John promptly tore his head off in rage.

"Mediocre!" Said a nearby cosplayer.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

"That wasn't enough." Said Kennedy. "I need to kill more." He was foaming at the mouth. He normally didn't need this, but the story needed to cement him as a murderous antagonist, so apparently he's crazy now.

He quickly ran outside with his shotgun (the seventeenth one) and killed the pair of aliens buying hot dogs outside the building, and kicked a few of the vertically-impaired people singing songs around them.

"No! It's still not enough!" He said. He stole a cab and drove down to the Washington Mall, starting an unstoppable rampage due to the fact that he simply ordered the police to stand down. One by one the bodies fell, until…

Voldemort, who was supervising the clean-up of liquid Dracula, heard the news. Johanna Cena rushed into the restaurant with a radio and held it up. Voldemort knew that it was time to fight, and finish this shitty fanfic once and for all.

As John F. Kennedy kept firing, he noticed the civilians had disappeared, except for one that had mysteriously looked like Voldemort. Oh, wait. That _Is_ Voldemort.

"If you wonder about the bystanders, I had the team rescue them. This final fight will just be you and me." Said Voldemort.

"Okay," Said Kennedy. "Say hello to my magic wand!" He fired his gun at Voldemort, but none of the shot hit. He fired again. Nothing happened. Kennedy repeatedly fired at the Dark Lord, but to no avail. Voldemort smirked. Sailor R136a1 was standing in the shadows, using her gravitational powers to stop anything he fired. Kennedy quickly ran out of ammo.

"Alright." Said Kennedy. "So My gun doesn't work. So fight me like a man then!" Kennedy lunged at Voldemort, forgetting he was 30 feet away and faceplanted on the granite hard floor.

"Oh, I'm not going to risk a fair fight." Said Voldemort. "I'm going to win." He got out his trumpet and said "BRRRRRAPPADOOO!"

And began to play fanfare as some of the Sailor Scouts began to rap in the background. Meanwhile, the whole time Johanna Cena had been skydiving from space and was almost to the ground.

"What?" Said Kennedy. "What are all of you doing?" It was about then that Johanna Cena landed right on top of him, causing his entire body to implode, spraying blood on nearly every square inch of the mall.

"Wow, everything is really red. Wasn't this place a different color a little while ago?" Asked Johanna.

"Yeah." Said Voldemort. "Some of that is Kennedy's fault, and some of that is _really_ Kennedy's fault."


	17. Epilogue

Epilogue

Johanna Cena and Robotu-Sama got married.

Hermione and Ginny left for the next fanfiction.

Kennedy's death was faked a week later as a staged assassination.

Voldemort and Suzan got together, of course.

The Sailor Scouts went off to places unknown.

And that's all I have to say about that.


End file.
